Who Is Mike?

Over the years of M I K E T O W N’s existence I have been asked, “Who is Mike?” I am beginning to guess no one will ever know for sure.

But if you want to know, here is a beginning. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushingice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I possess godlike trombone playing skills, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclineswith unflagging speed, and I can cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedlydefended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Dodgers and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nineand have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Mexico with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration kit. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botanycircles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Libya, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfightsin San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.

This is who I am…